LOVE & LIGHT   
[The Leap] 

Easter already and not much progress I'm afraid, on my New Year’s resolutions.   I’ve been promising God a long time now that I would get back on track, but it is hard to keep doing this ‘solo’ gig without the partner God Promised to deliver.   I have lived half my life now, not knowing what this feels like, and I am upset about the absence of Love in my life. There is no mentor besides God and tag along angels in the wings telling me what to do or more to the point, what not to do, if I want to succeed and live my dreams.   So, I‘ve been on strike, you might say.  

God and I are really tight, but there’s a history here of going back and forth in the trenches I assure you, so bear with me.   It’s not that I refuse to abide by His wishes, it’s that I do and do and do, but never get what I want and was promised in return:  a resurrected life in the call of Faith, now that I am light-years away from my corporate career.  I was required to leave those roots behind, and leap instead into the universe, so I could learn about the spiritual connection to my dreams, and what God has in store for me:  abundance, blessings and prosperity beyond my wildest imagination, if only I would quit chomping at the bit and trust Him! 

Well, it’s not that easy, because a lot more is involved realistically than just  leaping and living on Faith.  It takes us a long time to build up our defense systems – the things, beliefs, networks, ideals,  people we rely on  (including God) to  define, support and protect us, so logically, we don’t swap out that labyrinth overnight either.   Seven years ago, when I did all of that faith-leaping, mind you, I had proceeds from the sale of my house to cover expenses, plus a new car and important belongings to travel in, so I wasn’t really ‘feeling’ that leap, because I wasn’t hurting, required to stretch yet.   Not that I didn’t tell the whole world how much I had ‘given up’ to leave Boston and get there though …

Going from a corporate life to a Berkeley Seminary was the easy part, because everything was covered:  finances, food, clothing, mission, community, transportation, spiritual education, fuel, friends and a warm bed to boot, all in the blink of an eye.  Everything I possibly needed, in other words, to breeze through Faith, until God tested me on my commitment.   Did I mean it?  Really?   Well, what if I lost my car?  Home?  Job?  The support of friends and family?  Any means to support myself?  Would I still believe and follow then?

These are the true measures of Faith:   Trusting when you don’t know what you're doing, where you are going, or how you are going to get there.  It's one thing to give up a few comfort zones and possessions, another thing altogether to rely on Faith to sustain you.   And I did this tentatively at first, but progressively much better as God stripped away what was left of my former life and identity:  finances, clothes, colleagues, car, income, work and when I could handle it, even a place to live.  Forced to surrender to the journey,  I was totally dependent on God and had to live on these wings of Faith, not fight them.   

It took quite a long time for me to accept this relationship, of course, but in time, I ‘got it’ that God means it when He says we are to trust Him in all things.  So, you would expect me to be an expert at it by now, right?  Far from it.   The honest truth is, to this day, I still resist the Call.  Even when I know it’s God talking to me, encouraging me to move forward.  Because the authenticity piece is very difficult to reconcile in a realistic and modern world.  There are not that many new age prophets running around the globe proclaiming that God speaks to them and downloads instructions in their dreams!  And certainly the 'gay' thing gives many spiritual pause because of their morality equation, but if Jesus Christ is the one who governs my heart, what difference does it make?  He stood ground against persecution and non-believers too, giving his own life in the end so I can be here right this minute, talking of this journey in Faith with very unusual messengers who have taught me what it means to give up the 'ghost' for God and keep going, despite the life-altering loss of siblings, partners and parents along the way.  So, why am I still so reluctant?  When I was so willing once to leap without looking?  Good question.

Well, the short answer is, I’m not sure I’m cut out for this Faith gig, because to tell you the truth, I don’t see that I’m even making a dent as a light worker in this universe, despite my goal to change the universal language of Fear to one of Faith and unconditional Love.  Also, here’s the other thing - I don’t want to live without again, and worry that God will require it of me.   Force me to start from scratch, yank the carpet out from under me again, leave me alone without support or anyone in my life to nurture me, help me, look in my eyes and see what I see.  

But then again, in the precise moment I was convinced it was true, an old friend sought me out and asked, how do you do it?  How do you stay so strong in your Faith?  With all that you’ve been through?  It was a puzzling question, because I had not realized until that moment, how others see me.  That I have in fact, taken on this gig as my true calling, whether I am conscious of this or not, and that others look to and lean on me for spiritual support, as I once long ago looked upon and leaned on God to save and carry me to shore.   I only get lost when I stop believing this and try to take the reins again, control the outcome on my own.   

So, who am I to complain like this?  Decide my successes and failures in God’s eyes?  It is not my place to know what God sees or believes or counts on in me.  It must be enough to trust that Faith is in action, every time I step out the door with an open heart.   And every moment I pull myself up by the bootstraps one more time.   Or take a deep breath beyond a storm and still look for the rainbow. 

Despite my worst and best intentions, God still works through me, still uses me, still gets the message of Love out in the universe.   A willing or reluctant believer is not the test I sense, but the commitment to stick with it and see it through …wherever the journey leads, however disappointing it may even be at times, and still trust that God has the wheel, and will give us all we need to transition to the next level and be good at it, Faith.  

 Barter & Balance [The Book]   2006

Passion & Parallels [The Persecution]   2007